Are you married? Are you afraid that some day you may end up in divorce like the guy next door or one of your friends you recently comforted in a restaurant? Do you think, “I love her/him so much. I will never have a marriage crisis! It won’t happen to me. It may happen to someone else but not me.” ? I hope your confidence in marriage will last as long as you live. Really!

I’m married. I have a very good wife. She has 99% of the qualities I want for a wife. 1% is for her to grow and improve with me for the rest of our life together. No one is perfect. Are you? I have my own ideals of what a marriage is, but I’m not going to talk about that here. What I want to talk about is things that can easily kill a marriage if we do not pay attention to them.

I think, for both men and women today, divorce is one of their greatest fears and one of the main reasons why they choose to lead either a single life or a gay/lesbian life for the rest of his/her life. Speaking of fear, honestly speaking, I think men (I mean serious men) are just as fearful as women are. Because both are human beings. I do not believe any genetic causes for sexual orientation because men and women by nature are created for each other. It’s just nature! It is that simple. If you do not agree or believe what I say, just think about it, and think about the word choose, choice, or freedom of choice. You will find out why. (I know a lot of people will not agree with me on this homosexuality thing. Well, let’s debate then. )

So, what are the things that I think can kill your or my marriage? I’m not pretending to be an expert in relationships/marriage, but based on my merely 3 short years in marriage experience plus my own concept of marriage, I learn something. Of course, there could be dozens of things that can cause “sourness” in a couple’s hearts. It usually starts with something very small, it accumulates, one person gets frustrated, the other also get frustrated, and then it escalates. Soon, if it’s not handled right, both people can’t stand each other, get hurt and angry, and want out.

Here are the things.

1. Constant nagging

“When can you take out the trash?”

“When are you going to get a job?”

“Clean the kitchen / wash the dishes. It’s midnight already!”

Do you like being nagged? Do you enjoy nagging people? Does your wife or husband nag you sometimes? All the time? Constant nagging is a death sentence for marriages. When all one person hears from their spouse are repetitive, petty questions, they want to cover their ears and disappear. I don’t know about you, but I personally don’t like being nagged or nagging people. Why nag? Why be a nag?

Here is why I think nagging will not work.

  • Nagging is disrespectful. Do you think it’s respectful? Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and see how you feel.
  • Nagging makes your spouse defensive.
  • Even if your requests or arguments are valid, nagging makes your spouse resentful.
  • When your spouse is being nagged, he/she probably feels attacked personally.
  • Nagging puts you yourself in the parent role, and your spouse in the child role. Do you still remember how your mother nagged you? Did you like it?
  • Nagging is often perceived as criticism, so your nagging will be ineffective.
  • Nagging makes yourself look ugly and your spouse feel inadequate.

2. Quarrels over money

Money is always a hot issue when it comes to how it should be spent and where it should be spent on. When the balance in the bank is low, it’s easy to point fingers and complain about anything, everything until you can’t stand each other any more.

3. Neglect of the other

Do you have a hobby you like so much that you will spend most of, if not all, your time doing it? Or, do you have a pet that you would play with it all day long or all night long? Perhaps, you have a lot of friends and you would go out with them often - drinking “beer” or playing basketball all day long outside? If you’re any of these cases, you’re neglecting your very loved one. If one person feels neglected in the marriage, neither person can be happy. The ‘victim’ will feel hurt and lonely. They would feel they are not attractive anymore or good companions anymore. If this “being neglected” or “lonely” feeing goes on too long, either might just leave.

4. Lack of security and mutual trust

You know, there are two things that are cornerstones for an everlasting marriage. They are: security and mutual trust. If either is missing, your marriage is in crisis. Who does not want to be trusted or feel trustworthy? Who does not want to feel secure or protected? Everybody. We know we all want to (and should) trust our spouses, and receive trust in return, but occasionally we can’t help but wonder what he or she is doing outside. We want to know where our spouse is/was, whom he/she is with, when he/she will be back, what he/she’s doing, and why he/she’s doing it all the time. We can’t stop imagining things in our head. …

If you’re imaginative like that, you’re having security crisis and mutual trust crisis. Do you really trust your spouse? Or, his/her behaviors make you think that way? Whatever, never ever make guesses on your own. Nicely ask, “Honey, can you help me? I think I have a security problem or a trust issue I would like you to help me with.” Your spouse would respond,”What, honey! Your computer is hacked?!” or “Sure, honey. Let’s me make a cup of coffee and sit over there on the couch and then we talk, OK?”

You see, a lot of times, we’re just too imaginative or sensitive! If you cannot trust your spouse or cannot give the kind of trust or security she/he wants, your marriage is in crisis. If you feel you’re in this case, check with your spouse and talk about it - honestly!

5. A faded love

“You don’t love me like you used to.”

“Why don’t you hold my hand?”

As time goes on, anything including love can fade away (if it’s not tenderly, carefully taken good care of). Love is like a beautiful rose. It will wither in time. A faded love is easily seen in couples who don’t have much intimacy as they did before, or would walk so far apart, with one walking so fast in the front and the other (usually the wife) following behind catching her last breathe. Maybe? Whatever it may be. If you ever hear your spouse, “You don’t love me like you used to.”, you’re cultivating a crisis in your marriage sooner or later, because it is a serious statement.

Someone asks,”How can we prevent love from withering like rose?” In other words, how can we maintain a happy marriage? Well, this is how your imagination works! The point is … don’t wait until your spouse becomes attracted to somebody else. If the passion has died in either of you, it can’t be revived, sometimes. Well, I should say, most of the time a marriage can be revived if the couple wants it to be. The only condition is … you two still have passion or affection for each other.

Conclusion

Marriage is sacred. By the way, how many of us today still believe marriage is sacred? And, how many of you believe your marriage will last forever? Just wondering. Whatever answer you may give, one thing I’m sure of is that if you don’t believe love is like a rose, no matter how beautiful or sexy it is, it will wither in time someday if you don’t tender it right in good soil. Unfortunately, many people today don’t care whether their marriage needs to be protected. They believe, if they can get along, they get along. If they can’t get along, they just can’t and just quit no matter what they do to save the marriage. They leave it to chance. They never think that marriage needs to be nurtured and protected as well like a flower. No matter what, the future of your marriage is in your hands. You can make it or break it. You can always save your marriage if you two still care. Problems can still be resolved, and love can be restored if both parties work at it wholeheartedly.