“You live your life as a biography and you have chapters and how you handle yourself in time of adversity and crises defines you.” - Douglas Brinkley

Life is full of ups and downs. Sometimes, it’s up; sometimes, it’s down. There are good and there are bad times, but both require our responses. Usually, we know how to respond if it’s good things happening to us. We would jump and laugh. Or, we simply smile secretly in our heart. In other words, we feel happy. But, oftentimes, people don’t know how and what to respond to do in times when they feel so low, depressed, frustrated, insecure about the future, worried about life after midlife or graduation, … etc.. It’s human nature to easily feel happy and easily know what to do (respond) when things make us happy. But, it’s also human nature to easily feel sad, depressed, worried, and insecure when things in life such as a major crisis (e.g. loss of a loved one leading emotional crisis, loss of a career leading to career crisis, loss of enthusiasm about life leading to existential crisis, loss of, say, youthfulness in midlife leading to midlife crisis, … etc.) make us so unhappy, but we often may not know what and how to do and respond to those crisis times in life. We would close ourselves in our room. We would not feel seeing anyone or talking to anyone. Is this good response?


I believe good responses are constructive, rather than destructive. For sure, responses to a happy experience is easier than one that is not so happy. The latter usually takes more efforts to respond constructively. And, that can determine what our destiny for the rest of life will be.

Below I’m going to suggest what you should/can do when a life crisis hits you. The steps should be able to help you get out of the bad situation. If you feel paralyzed, try to do things like exercise to relax and temporarily distance yourself from the situation just long enough to be able to see it clearly. BUT, never ever abuse yourself with drugs and alcohol.

Now, when a life crisis hits you, do the following.

1. Choose to respond, wisely.

Even though you’re powerless to change the fact that something bad like a crisis has happened to you, you have to respond as to what you should do about it. When you respond, you have to respond wisely also. Never let yourself be drown in too much depression or stress for too long. Instead, respond positively. You have the power to “choose” how you should respond to do what’s necessary to stop being in the crisis. The appropriate response is find what’s causing it. After finding the cause(s), you shall then know what to plan to do to restore your life back to normal.

2. Face your crisis head-on.

Merely feeling depressed is not going to resolve the situation. Sitting around worrying all day long is not going to help you at all but prolong or intensify the stress / depression you feel. Courageously facing your crisis head-on is the best, fastest way to shake off a bad situation that you cannot or should not ignore. If you want to change the outcome of a situation that matters to you, the quickest way to overcome that fear or to empower yourself is to take action as quickly as possible. Once you’ve resolved the underlying problem, you can shake off the stress / depression because it’s no longer bothering you.

3. Ask yourself some questions.

Based on the first two steps above, you have to ask yourself some questions.

  • Does it matter? Is it a trivial matter that can easily be fixed. What is important to you? What do you ultimately want from life? What kind of person do you want to be? Or, what kind of person do you want to be remembered as after you die? What do you want to achieve in your career or marriage? … etc.
  • How much control do you have over your situation? You can’t control the weather tomorrow definitely but you can control how you treat your loved ones or yourself. Can’t you?
  • Is the source of the crisis in the past, present, or future? For sure you can’t change the past, but you can respond to the present and prepare for the future. Let your past be past. Enjoy the present and welcome and prepare for the future.

Take a career crisis for instance. You got fired or could not find a suitable job to continue to pay your mortgages or daily expenses. Ask, “Does it matter?” If yes, why? (If not, why not?) Analyze what caused you to arrive at where you are now. Does your education background not meet the requirements of the current job market? Did you have a frequent job hopping history that indicates to your prospective employer that you’re not a loyal employee? Not serious about steady career development? … etc. Ask yourself and try to do whatever you can to rectify your situation. Learn the lessons and plan well not to repeat the same mistakes.

Let’s take a marriage crisis as another example. Your marriage is ending in divorce, no matter whose fault. Ask why you have to come to this stage in life? Analyze what caused it. Isn’t it really compatibility problems? Or, it’s that the two of you just have never learned how to communicate with each other and have never had the patience to learn the art of maintaining a healthy happy relationship? Is there a third party breaking in to your marriage? Analyze the situation honestly and try whatever you can to save your marriage and your life thereafter.

4. Establish life goals for yourself.

At a critical point or a crossroad in life, it’s a good time for you to get serious and review yourself based on your life performance in the past. Do some introspection. Write out a plan with attainable goals and a timeline for reaching those goals for the life you have to live thereafter. Though some crisis situations in life are not avoidable, some are. If you prepare ahead of time for important events and make contingency plans, you may not have to cope with as much depression later. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

5. Take one step at a time.

A complex situation can be overwhelming, even when you’ve got your plan mapped out, but remember: the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Just focus on one small goal at a time. Soon, you will see the shore of the other sides of the ocean.

6. Be realistic.

If you continue to feel like a failure in your career, marriage, … etc., you probably have not set realistic goals. In a culture that values a can-do attitude, it can be hard to accept that sometimes you can’t do something, at least not within a given period of time. If that’s the case, revise your timeline or lower your expectations. If you still can’t attain your goal even after realistic revision of your goals, then the situation would simply qualify as one which is beyond your control. Learn from your experience, but let it go. Set new realistic goals again.

7. Don’t blame it all on yourself.

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to turn around the crisis situation, it may still seem impossible. Giving up on the subject is not a bad thing, but giving up on yourself and starting self-abuse methods is absolutely a stupid thing to do. Remember never ever abuse yourself with drugs or alcohol. Alcohol and drugs may provide a temporary escape, but your problems, your crisis, your depression, your stress, … etc. will still be there waiting for you when you get back to reality. Besides, do you want an addiction problem in your life, too? You yourself may not care about it, or are even aware of it, but others that care about and love you, do.

8. Talk to close friends or family members.

If you feel comfortable, talk to close friends/family members about your situation. Actually, you should!! A friend in need is a friend indeed. Even though they may not be able to help much, because it’s really only you who can make a difference to your life, the talk will be a big relief for you. Sometimes, by sharing your situation with your friends, you may even get “enlightened” and your life may never be the same thereafter because of that talk.

“Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.” - Helen Keller


Conclusion

No matter what types of crisis you may be experiencing in life, remember this “crisis” stage will pass soon. It’s a transition that life must go through. It’s a time for soul searching and further personal growth. It’s a time to re-discover a new self or re-gain oneself. If you do not handle it properly, you may end up regretting later in life. Remember there is a saying: “You are only young once, but you can be immature forever.”

Also, inappropriate reactions to crises in life or an inability to cope with life crises can reduce years off of your life. It’s true that life is never meant to be easy and not every one has a perfect life. Everyone has the same opportunity to re-invent himself/herself if he/she wants to. This will depend on how he/she responds to problems in life. Respond or not respond? Face life head-on or let it be? Self abusing or self rebuilding? Obviously, it’s impossible for anything to change if it needs your attention and you just sit there and slack off. Hard work in itself is already an achievement.

You probably already know all this, but what you need to remind yourself is that, without negativity, stress, sadness, depression, or failure in life, there wouldn’t be joy, excitement or happiness in life. You would never realize how valuable and important joy, excitement, happiness, or success is, to you! If there is a tree, there will be fruits or flowers. If there is plus, there must be minus. If there is a lock, there must be a key. If there is life, there will be death also. By the same token, if there is happiness in life, there must be sadness also. If there is success, there will be failure, too! Without the other, how would we know which is what we should pursue in life? The two counterparts simply would not exist without each other. It’s true nobody has an easy life forever. It’s also true nobody can have a good life without a price to pay. Life is fair. Everybody needs to pay a price in order to get the most out of it. Whether it’s a life crisis or a success, it will come to you sooner or later. No matter what, remember, what you should do when a life crisis hit you. How you respond to it will determine your destiny later in the rest of your life.

“Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward.” - Soren Kierkegaard